What "Holding Space" Really Means (and Why It's a Game-Changer)

What it Means to Hold Space

The concept of "holding space" is a powerful, yet often misunderstood, practice.  In a world that constantly encourages us to fix problems, offer advice, and fill silence, holding space is an invitation to do the opposite. It’s about being fully present for another person without judgment, ego, or the need to control the outcome.  It's a fundamental act of love and support that says, "I am with you, just as you are." 

This isn't just about passively listening. Holding space is an active, mindful practice that creates a safe container for someone else to feel their own feelings, work through their own challenges, and discover their own answers.  It's a term that originated in psychological and therapeutic contexts, stemming from D.W. Winnicott's work on the parent-infant relationship, and was later popularized by author Heather Plett. The core idea remains the same: a relationship where one person feels so completely safe that they are able to be vulnerable, raw, and authentic. 

Lessons from the Art of Holding Space

Years ago, I had a friend who was navigating a difficult career transition. She was an accomplished professional, yet she felt completely lost. My instinct was to send her job postings, connect her with my contacts, and offer solutions. I wanted to "fix" it for her, because her pain felt so tangible. One evening, after I’d rattled off a list of things she "should" do, she gently said, "Alena, I don't need a job search committee right now. I just need you to be here."

That simple moment was a profound lesson in the art of holding space. It taught me that my job was not to solve her problem, but to walk alongside her in the uncertainty. The most meaningful support I could offer wasn’t advice, but a presence that said, "This is hard, and it's okay for it to be hard. I’m not going anywhere."

This is the essence of holding space. It is a mindful choice to step back from our own narrative and ego. It requires us to listen deeply with our hearts and ears, rather than just waiting for our turn to speak. It means:

•  Suspending Judgment: We all carry biases and opinions, but holding space asks us to set them aside.  We create an environment free from shame and guilt, where the other person can feel their true emotions, whatever they may be—anger, fear, sadness—without worrying about our approval.  

•  Releasing the Need to Fix: We resist the ingrained human urge to jump into problem-solving mode.  Our purpose is not to provide solutions, but to empower the other person to find their own. We trust their intuition and wisdom, even when they feel lost. 

•  Honoring Their Journey: We recognize that their path is their own.  We offer guidance with humility only when asked and avoid giving more information than they can handle. This respects their autonomy and allows them to navigate their growth, grief, or transition at their own pace.  

When we hold space for others, we are acting as a vessel of unconditional support.  We are a steadying force in their chaos, a soft place to land when they feel like they are falling apart.  It's about being present, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too.  This presence is a form of profound compassion that allows someone to feel seen, understood, and cared for. 

The Importance of Holding Space for Ourselves

 Before we can effectively hold space for others, we must first learn to hold space for ourselves. This is a crucial, foundational practice that is often overlooked. We can't pour from an empty cup, and if we are constantly giving without tending to our own emotional landscape, we will quickly burn out.

Holding space for yourself means creating a safe and nurturing environment within your own mind and body. It's an act of self-compassion that allows you to feel your own emotions without self-criticism.  It means giving yourself permission to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to simply be, without the constant pressure to "fix" or "be better." 

The world is noisy, fast-paced, and demanding. It's so easy to push down difficult emotions, to ignore our need for rest, and to neglect the small, intentional moments of self-care. But just as we would for a loved one, we must carve out time to sit with our own feelings. This might look like:

• Mindfulness and Deep Breathing: Taking a few minutes to simply notice what emotions are present, without judgment. Noticing a wave of anxiety, naming it, and letting it pass without attaching to it.

•  Journaling or Creative Expression: Giving ourselves a non-judgmental outlet to process complex emotions.  Whether through writing, painting, or dancing, we allow ourselves to release what needs to come out. 

•  Setting Boundaries: A key part of holding space for ourselves is honoring our emotional capacity.  It means learning to say no when we need to and recognizing that it is not selfish to prioritize our own well-being. 

• Cultivating Self-Compassion: Speaking to ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a dear friend. When we make a mistake, we don’t beat ourselves up. Instead, we acknowledge the imperfection and offer ourselves a gentle grace to learn and grow.  

This practice is a continuous journey. It's about creating a safe inner container where we can feel, process, and heal.  By holding space for our own fears and insecurities, we build a resilience that allows us to show up for others with genuine strength and an open heart. 

A Ripple Effect of Connection 

When we embrace the practice of holding space—for ourselves and for others—we create a ripple effect of authentic connection.  We move beyond superficial interactions and into a deeper, more meaningful way of relating.  In a world that feels increasingly disconnected, this practice is a beacon of hope. 

The benefits of holding space include strengthening relationships and reducing stress and anxiety. It reminds us that we don’t always need to have the answers. We don’t need to be perfect, or strong, or even okay. We just need to be present. The most profound gift we can give someone is the space to be themselves, and the most loving act we can do for ourselves is to grant the same grace. This simple yet profound practice has the power to transform not only our relationships but also our sense of inner peace and belonging. It is a quiet rebellion against the chaos, a gentle invitation to simply be.

Sources

• Plett, H. (2015). What It Means To “Hold Space” For People, Plus Eight Tips On How To Do It Well. Centre for Holding Space. https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/

• Cherry, K. (2022). How to Hold Space for Yourself. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/new-engagement-how-to-hold-space-for-yourself

• Nall, R. (2022). What to Know About Holding Space for Someone. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/holding-space-for-someone